Flashback: do you have any condoms?

I have written in a while, I know how dare I, but mostly because my current life has taken over. But that’s a boring and sad story let’s get to the funny again. 

I once Decided that it was time to get off my birth control. I wasn’t having a lot of sex at the time, I was single, i was going mentally insane… And I decided fuck it! Let’s try not having my hormones changed by medication for a while and see what happens ! 

Well if you’re a woman, who decided to get off her birth control, you’ll know a few things happen to your body after live been on it for a while and then just STOP: 

  • Your periods suck and try to kill you. 
  • Your acne from highschool comes back
  • You either get super angry (as I did) or you get super sad (as I also did) with LITERALLY EVERYTHING. 
  • Your brain starts working differently
  • and my favorite but also least favorite, your sex drive SKY ROCKETS. I mean it goes so bad you could sign up for sex addiction classes! At least I could have. 

So naturally since I was single and now ridiculously horny 24/7, I decided to find someone to have sex with. Now I’m one of those weird people who has to have some sort of connection most of the time. I need to be sexually attracted to you in some way, or emotionally attracted to you in another. I also need to not give a fuck about my body that day because I’m very insecure. 

And boy! Did I know exactly who I needed to call that day! That’s just what I did. 

I called this guy who has been obsessed with me for years, and I know what you’re thinking.. ” oh my god she’s a terrible person using this guy who actually likes her for sex! How disgusting!”

Wrong. He knew what I was doing. I told him straight up I wanted to bang him and that’s it. Strictly sex. He said alright and came over! Now I wasn’t emotionally invested in him. I was sexually okay with him only because I knew he would have sex with me. 

This guy comes over in a flannel shirt not even half way buttoned up! He has so many buttons undone I think I saw his belly button! He might as well had not been wearing a damn shirt. My roommate at the time was cracking up. I was staring and drinking so much alcohol to just make it through the night I didn’t even care that this guy was dressed ridiculously. I was wasted by 10 pm and ready to party! 

And as I’m sitting there with him on the couch making my moves to try and get this started, I realized… I didn’t have any condoms! STOP! RED ALERT! I mean I wasn’t about to not use a condom just after I got off my birth control, HELL NO. I want no babies right now, especially from a one night stand kind of guy! 

So I did what I thought any normal 20 something girl does! I texted my roommate and asked if she had any! Now she was aware of my birth control turned into sex addiction issues and was like 

” girl I got you. Ima go get a Mcflury and Ima buy you some condoms and then you just go get into the motions and when you’re ready be like ‘oh I think my roommate has some’ and come get them!”

I was so thankful and pumped I was like 

“ON IT! MISSION HAS BEGUN!”

And begun it had. So we start making out on the couch, one thing leads to another, we are hot and heavy in the bedroom, I’m naked, he’s naked and the moment arrives and he goes : 

” do you have any condoms?”

And my time had come. I say 

“No but I think my roommate does! I’ll  go get us some.”

I start to get up, and he pushes me down and say … 

“Nah I’ll go get them you stay here”

Now this was not the plan. Especially to have this half naked man with a raging boner go to MY roommates door for condoms. I sat there like what the fudge do I do ?!?

Luckily she was prepared for at least just handing them through the door so he came back fast and we got down and dirty! 

Now the sex wasn’t bad. It was surprisingly a lot of fun don’t get me wrong…BUT as I had to told him I was strictly looking for sex. Clearly I learned my lesson here.

Don’t have sex with boys who are obsessed with you if you’re not into them. JUST DO NOT DO IT. 

Morning comes around, I had barely any sleep, I was drained of energy & he tries to cuddle… And I was just not having it. So I oh so meanly and horribly ( yes go ahead call me mean names I don’t care !) said: 

“Hey I’m just trying to sleep if that’s alright?”

And he goes 

“So what you want me to leave ?”

And I say….

“Yeah kind of…”

And he gets up and leaves and I shut the chapter for now… As well as learned my lesson as I said. 

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2 thoughts on “Flashback: do you have any condoms?

  1. Hilarious. And I’m glad you are sending the message to be safe always. I am sure that a lot of men don’t mind being used, if the girl is super hot and I assume that you are. Warm hugs. xo

    Like

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