Return of Condom Man

I know what you’re thinking… First the return of Krispy Kreme man and now the Condom guy is back ?! 

Everyone calm down, calm down! I didn’t have sex with condom guy again although that was the original plan. 

Let’s begin! As I said my raging hormones, my lack of self control and my passive aggressive ways were in full force ladies and gentlemen! They were like “we are in control please back the fuck up” 

I call up condom man.. And I say… 

“Hey are you back in Reno for a bit?”

He says … 

“Yeah actually I was going to see if you wanted to hang out ?”


“Well sure why don’t you come over and I’ll be here drinking some wine!”

He says alright I’m on my way. Now let me restart because I might have forgot one tiny detail… 

He lives in New York. New York is a SAFER distance to keep a sexting relationship because he can’t just come over whenever he damn well tries to. So we were sexting, and it was great because the sex was great, and I was like lemme convince myself this is the right thing to do. So that’s what I did… I know ,I know. 
Back: so he comes over wearing this low black V-neck and these shorts and a backpack and I’m like okay we going hiking? 

We awkwardly say hello and then we stand in my kitchen staring at each other. Now at this point… I’m starting to change my mind. I’m like maybeeeee this was a bad idea… I forgot how clingy he was! I hadn’t seen him in a while and he just went full force let me love you when he got in my kitchen. 

He starts off by saying …

” I bought a Polaroid camera because of you. It reminds me of you and I felt I had to get one.”

And I’m like as dry as the Sahara desert because I am so emotionally damaged that even a nice thing such as that scared me half to death! Naturally I say 

“Oh you shouldn’t have if you don’t like photography there is really no point”

Which isn’t true I just couldn’t be nice guys! Awkward me = Bitchy me! 

He laughs, and starts moving closer to me at which this point I’m like nope nope nope. I grab the BOTTLE of wine and start drinking it and I’m like 

“So what’s new man! Tell me about life!”

And I shit you not this turned into the longest conversation about racism and politics in the universe! So long I texted my friend to call me and pretend like we had to go see her grandma so I didn’t have to stay at the apartment and he could leave !

He was so mad. He was like ..

” listen if you don’t want to do this we don’t have to but I’m not a racist and I am sick of arguing over politics with you. Have fun seeing grandma”

I have no idea what I was doing but never again will I let my hormones win! They keep getting me into all sorts of shenanigans! 

Needless to say.. We have officially ended the chapter of dear old condom man… He and I haven’t spoken in 2 years. Thought at times I do hope he is well! 


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