Return of the Car Wash

Okay at this point I probably deserve every bad “date” and experience I keep having. I mean I think my self esteem just hit the lowest of low so I’m just finding ways to pretend I don’t hate myself now.

Car wash guy… you guys remember him? He’s a few posts down but he was the 33 year old who showed up drunk and I was really mean to me and made wash my car with me? Well I thought he wasn’t going to hit me up again but oh boyyy did he.

I got off work the other day and he’s at this point found out we have mutual friends on facebook and found me to add me so he FB messages me and says–

“yo, wanna hang out ?”

And I’m still a bitch–

“and do what exactly?”

And he’s like —

” I don’t know we could go to my place and watch 90s music videos and chill?”

and for some reason THAT sounded pretty fun/ funny… but that wasn’t gunna happen of course because that would have been too easy and normal.

So he goes — ” hey can you pick me up from my friends house though?”

And I just was like —

” dude you’re a fucking bum where’s your car?”

now normally I dont care about picking someone up but obviously he was drunk the last time we hung out so I am weary now.

So I go pick his bum ass up and he gets in and he’s still attractive so I can’t complain.. I know haha. He starts making small talk and it gets awkward at certain points because for some reason with him I knew we weren’t going to just be casually watching music videos.

We get to his place and we go in his room and it reminds me of a teenager who just ran away and has been crashing at some friends house room. So i sit on his bed ( on the floor) and I’m just chillin and he comes back and just randomly turns off the lights in his room. So I’m like umm awkward.

He then turns on his 90s music videos and we were looking up some UFO shit so it all seemed so normal until he was like…

” I’m gunna cuddle with you now” and just starts laying on my lap.

Now pause: I don’t know but I am definitely one of those girls who likes a bit of prep time when she’s about to have sex or something.  I wanna shave my legs and clean up and maybe not wear the “last pair of clean underwear” underwear before I let some guy go down there. I HAD NO PREP TIME! And I knew what was about to happen so I start being weird.

I start this awkward breathing thing where like my heart is racing ( out of nerves because I haven’t had sex in forever) and then I’m trying to calm it down and now it looks like I ran a race and YOU know he can feel and hear you which makes you more nervous and awkward!

So he’s laying in my lap then laying on my chest and in my head I’m sitting there like ” Either do something or get off me so I can calm down and make a decision about whether I wanna have sex or learn to breathe!”

Well don’t worry he made the decision for me. He does this awkward push my face around and started making out with me and I was like “eff it! It’s been a while let’s see what happens”

and then he stops me and says the most bullshit thing ever and I still kept going afterwards —

” so you’re not going to tell anyone about this right ?”

And i go —

” sure make a list of who you want me to tell and I’ll send them a letter with the details”

and he’s like — ” wait what? No don’t tell–”

and I stop his annoying ass and go ” who the fuck am I gunna tell?”

Haha well except everyone in the world and all my friends. Jerk!

its going well at this point then he just goes and takes off all his clothes and my pants and is about to just like put it in ( again no prep time or even orally ready!) and I’m like– HOLD ON.

” you have a condom?”

And he goes and brings back all the flashbacks of Krispy Kreme guy everyone…

” no I don’t why?”

Why?! I SWEAR. If one more guy asks me WHY they need to wear a condom with me not only will I punch them in the dick but I will find a condom and shove it over their face. When did I become some kind of girl who has sex without a condom? I DIDN’T.

” why? Because I am not on birth control right now and I don’t know where you’ve been nor do I want your babies sooo I guess we ain’t doing this?”

and he looks confused like he didn’t understand a single word I said… because he probably didn’t.

And then more flashbacks of Krispy Kreme guys —

” well we can do other stuff”

famous words from men who don’t like condoms I swear. I’m going to make them all shirts to wear to the next girls house.

So I say..

” okay.”

And I just laid there. BecauSe I’m gunna get MINE. I always am super helpful and get the guy off but not this time baby. Me first then you because if this goes south ( which it did) I can give you all a taste of your own medicine.

So he goes to town! And it was totally fun until it wasn’t. Because he couldn’t even get it up half the time right ? And he starts getting frustrated with himself and he goes–

” sorry did I tell you I was totally drunk?”

And I laugh and go ” oh when are you not drunk?”

which apparently only I thought was funny… because it’s true.

So eventually I get bored with him down there and decide to just stop him and I’m like ya know…

” I think I’m gunna head home”

And he stares at me like I’m crazy again. So I get up and grab my clothes and jacket and I’m like

” that was fun thanks. Have a good night”

and I kinda just bail out the door and left him naked on his bed.

Which I don’t even care because if you’re gunna show up drunk both times we’ve hung out go die.

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