I haven’t talked about my ex ever on here because really we haven’t had any ” bad ” stories together for the most part. He’s someone I’ve always pictured my life with so there was no point in talking about him… plus he knows about this blog which it seemed weird to put him in here but I doubt he reads this anyways an fuck it. Here’s the one bad story I can keep recalling besides the turmoil of me going to NC this takes the cake on Heartbreak for me.
My ex showed up in town not too long ago and he “surprised” me by showing up a at work. Now maybe it’s just me but I was so convinced he was the one. I had always had this image of him randomly showing up and sweeping me off my feet and asking me to be with him and move with him and we would try this again fresh and new like we always talked about.
Well that didn’t happen because reality sucks. He showed up in a relationship still complaining about how he couldn’t stand her and they were gonna break up and blah blah and because he was GOING TO , SOMEDAY, EVENTUALLY break up with this girl who had no idea of course, that made it okay in his mind for us to have sex.
SEX. Not- ” lets get back together and be forever”, not ” i miss you so much and what we had”- no. SEX.
Now don’t get me wrong… it took ALL my willpower to not jump into bed with him then minute he offered because I loved the guy and don’t get me wrong he’s hot as hell… like so attractive. But I held my ground because as much as i LOVE him and all he is, i am not about to go into when hes heading back home in a week and put myself through that all over again and again.
So we established – no sex.
As I said he showed up at my work and so we talked in his car about what was new, how long he was in town for, and the usual banter of ” I can’t get over you but I love and hate you” that we always do. He then offered me to come out for drinks with him and the guys from school… I was relucatant but I of course couldn’t help it so I cancelled all plans, went home and pretended I wasn’t curling my hair and putting on nice clothes to just be alone. Obviously everyone knew what was going on… and by everyone I mean m best friend figured it out and was P I S S E D.
But do I blame her? No. I would be mad as hell if she was the one sneaking off to see the ex who ruined her. I mean he ruined me… in all the literal terms of ruining. After my trip to NC years ago when I went specifically to see him and in his state of ” please stay” and ” marry me” and “let’s have kids and a family” and I FINALLY AGREE to everything after years and years of going against it… he chickens out asap.
I spent two and a half weeks crying on my couch while my best friend basically forced me to eat and shower. Then I spent another month cursing everyone and my life. Then another month crying and refusing to date ever again and again going back to never showering and then over eating to make up for my lack of love.
Literally ruined, but did he care? Of course not! He didn’t know he was too busy ignoring my messages for a year.
Anyways! So drinks! So I show up late to the bar and he’s already drunk as hell. I walk in and sit down by him and say hi to our old friends and then he starts getting weird. He starts finding old pictures of me and him and showing all our friends ( mind you they all know he has a new girlfriend…) and he starts talking about us and some picsture I made the boys back in high school and everyone is staring at me like -” sooo you guys back together again?” And I’m awkwardly pounding down a beer pretending I don’t exist.
Because as much as I love him and that he obviously isn’t over me and vice versa–he has a new girlfriend… and that isn’t the appropriate thing to do when your ex is there and your friends are there…
so we switch bars and we get another drink and I’m sitting there while he is at the bar with a friend I didn’t know and he starts asking me how long he and I have been together… awkward…
so I start with –
” oh no we aren’t together right now…”
and that makes things more awkward. So now o have to explain…
” we used to date… actually we’ve been on and off for about like 8-10 years give or take. We had something serious but that got ruined by his lack of willing to commit to me one I agreed to everything. I love the guy but he has a new girlfriend in North Carolina right now. There’s still some love hate feelings between us and we have a lot of history… it’s awkward I know…”
to which I get a laugh and a look of shock and then the ” I understand” and I down my glass of alcohol as he brings another glass for me to down.
So he sits next to me.. and he’s got his hand on my knee and I’m getting those emotions and I’m running into my sel respect as she’s trying to bail out the door to make way for miss I don’t give a fuck let’s make out… but she was pulled back in.
He turns to me and whispers how he knows I want him and we need to have sex and he knows if he made a move I would say yes.
I laugh and say
” you’re not that smooth baby”
And at this point I feel like it’s a bad romantic comedy because I’m buzzed, he’s drunk and all I wanna do is scream at him and make out. But I keep my shit together somehow because the passion and intensity between us is what gets us in trouble.
” I can’t get over you. It’s ridiculous and it’s been years and I want to move on and I’m trying but I can’t. Why do we do this? Why?”
And I have no answers for him. All i see is sadness and anger on his face. I don’t know what he could see on mine but I’m sure it resembled something like that…
and it’s at this point I knew we hit the point of no return. I knew I was about the fall back into my and routine shortly, at any minute… and the only self respecting , logical thing to do was get the fuck out of there before it got worse.
That’s exactly what I did. They were heading home to sleep and get ready to stay the weekend in Tahoe and I was going to go home and maybe see him before he left.
I say goodbye to everyone and go to give him a hug and he does this guilt trip move of making me feel awful and gives me a quick hug and says bye… and I was broken.
I have a hard time with him. I get broken so easily when he’s around. He makes me feel so great and so awful it’s just an exhausting pattern of why do I do this and is he worth it?
So I did what any normal broken girl does when she watches the guy she loves walk away- I texted him apologizing that I didn’t sleep with him while he had a girlfriend and that any other time I would have jumped into bed and that I hope he knows my feelings for him and blah blah and he does what any emotionally abusive asshole does — he ignores it.
Moving on to the end of this tale… he went to Tahoe for the weekend, I tell my friends about him coming into town, cry, go get mad drunk at a bar and I get a text from him saying he can see me on Tuesday before he leaves if I’m not working ( whivh wasn’t the fucking plan).
Because I’m drunk and I’m with my friends and I’m bitter and sad I decide to cut my ties off again. I text him and say
” you were right. We should have never started this whole ” let’s be friends” thing. You knew how it would end and it ended exactly as we both predicted. Me falling for you again and you going back across the country to your girlfriend. Have a safe trip home and you know I love you.”
And he ignored it as usual. Went home to his life. Broke up with his girlfriend as he said he would a few weeks later.
I won’t lie I tried to message him recently and I got a little pathetic but now I’m starting to come out of my funk and I think I’m good. I think timing is everything and although we have been st this for 10 years I think if we are meant to be together it isn’t any time soon.
I keep saying he’s swept under the rug but he will probably come back like dust always does.
Here’s to broken hearts and broken girls trying to get their shit together. I think he’s definitely shaped a lot of how I look at relationships these days. I’m not putting all the blame on him by any means- majority is my fault. But there is definitely a moment in time in each relationship I compare and wonder what he would do in this situation… and then it shows me just how damaged mentally I am.
This was a sad post for sure but I needed to vent this one out because I was shown a lot about myself on New Year’s Eve which will most likely be another serious post to vent my emotional life… but hey- we can’t all be perfect in love I suppose.