Blocked Baby

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately- this has been such a wild year for me.

I up and quit my job back home to move all the way across the country alone just to hate it over there and quit my job again but recklessly this time. Bought a plane ticket and packed my suitcase overnight and flew out the next morning to Texas to start over yet AGAIN. While I’ve been on my kick of starting over and running from my issues I’ve come to see I am not the kind of person who just ups and forgets things in life.

I can remember my first boyfriend, the first time I told a boy i loved him, the first time a guy told me I was his everything, the first time I had sex, the first time I had GOOD sex, the first time I got dumped, the first time I felt passion, the first time that guy destroyed my heart.

One of those boys has never gone away. He is always there in the back of my head, he is always there when I am looking at other guys , talking to other guys. He is there when I think about certain life choices… but not in a sense that we are together. I just sit there and think about how things would have been different if he and I could have made it work better. If timing and differences could have been solved. I think for me… i have literally never had any closure.

He doesn’t always linger in my mind sometimes he comes outta nowhere and I sit there and go ” wtf Brianna calm down” but sometimes it’s a steady buzz of his memory. the point of this though was that because I have never had that closure I want… I texted him months before I moved across the country.

I made myself  and my close friends a deal.
I would text him by New years, and I would spill my guts out and say everything I could EVER want to say and get it all out there- let him know I am still a person and I deserve something from this whether we start over again or we end this right now and then.
Then depending the answer I got… we would go from there.
Mind you he lives across the country as well so I couldn’t do this in person.

So I did it.
I spilled my heart out. It was the longest message I have ever written.
I said everything I needed to say and it felt so good to just let it out and get it out there…. and I thought this is it! This is what it will take.. and yes, I was secretly hoping life was on my side. BUT that’s a good joke am I right?

So I sent it… and he read it… and then.

He fucking blocked me on FB and IG and ignored the message.
And I was so… angry. I wasn’t even sad. ”
I sat in my living room with my roommate venting and screaming and thinking to myself…

I FINALLY got my chance. I got to say what I NEEDED to say to this asshole and after all those months of him venting HIS emotions and feelings whenever he wanted and me forgiving him and doing whatever he asked because I WANTED to… he fucking blocks and ignores me?!

But guess what… I got my answer.
Timing and Love – that shit doesn’t exist.
He and I… we don’t belong together and you know what… that’s fine.

I got it all out there and I let it go.
But sometimes… I still get that buzzing feeling in my head like he knows I think about him. Like he knows… sometimes I still miss him and that sucks.

What’s a girl to do except move the fuck on with her life.

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