“Let’s meet at my place- I’M JOKING”

There are few things in this world that make me so angry I have wanted to share with the world what type of human someone is specifically to make sure that EVERYONE else can avoid this human…. but this motherfucker… he 100 % sent me over the edge.

Let’s rewind back to when I was living in NJ for a little bit. I went out with this guy but BEFORE I did he would keep making these ” jokes” about how it would be easier to meet at his place and he would repeatedly do this over and over again for the week and then EVEN after we met in person… he continued to bring it up. I had told him over and over again that the jokes were not funny and that if all he wanted was a quick hook up then he needed to just say that and get it over with. He was neither
a- Honest
b- serious about a relationship
And because of that ” date” , if you can even call it that, I now no longer trust anyone who is going to keep making jokes like that over and over again. It’s one thing if you make the joke and then let it go, it’s another if you continuously do it.. that just means to me you have a problem with something and it’s most likely bothering you. That or you’re immature can’t understand when a girl or person if pissed off and irritated about a ” joke”

So flash forward to earlier last week when I met the newest addition to my stories.

I am normally very interested in reading peoples profiles on OKC because they are so funny and sometimes they are actually really honest about a person but because of that I sometimes think we get a view on that person before we even really talk to the person– we also absolutely judge on the photo’s right?
So occasionally, I wont read the profile and I’ll look at one picture just to try to clear my head when speaking to someone. I try to give them a fair chance and not make any assumptions about them, but when I do this I only seem to find that we never in a million years would work out.

So it backfired again right but I had no idea it was going to turn into this type of argument at all.  We started talking about photography, great subject to start with when talking to me- props. I saw he was 30, a decent age for me as well as I am 25- props. He had a stable job, he used to take photos professionally, he’s well traveled, he likes to talk on the phone, hes taller and cute– all props , all good.

He called me on the phone, we had decent conversations and were starting to get to know one another and he doe the whole ” we should meet up sometime” thing and I’m like sounds good to me, how about Saturday– he agrees and we start talking about where we should meet up and so on right? And it’s at this point when I have a make or break situation happen. I say ” So what do you wanna do on Saturday?” and he says:

” You can just come to my place, we can build a pillow fort and hang out :p” 

And a few things happen in my head…

1- A pillow fort? are we children again? I mean i am all about being young at heart and that’s super cute to do… if you are in a relationship? If you are with your friends? but not as a first date in my personal opinion.
2. ” you can just come back to my place…” — again, what part of  not wanting to meet a guy in his place for the first time meeting is so fucking difficult for men to understand? I mean… a few words pop into my head when a man say’s that to me… no scratch that, when ANYONE I don’t know says that too me…. RAPE. MURDER. PSYCHOS. KIDNAPPING. and maybe you’re right, I’m a little paranoid and come off as crazy but I live in a world where people say they are one type of person and then what happens is the minute you let your guard down, they are a completely different type of person. So yes, I am a little cautious about the people I meet and where I meet them.

ANYWAYS, So he said that and I said ” ha ha, that’s cute but why don’t we meet at like a coffee shop or dinner or walk around outside at a park or something?” and he’s like –

“I find it funny that women seem to think that they can use the ” I’m just paranoid” thing as an excuse these days to jut blow men off after they find they aren’t attracted to them but okay we can meet somewhere public if you want that’s fine”

And that just ticked me off even more but I let it go like the “good girl” I am…. until he wouldn’t shut. the. fuck. up. He then proceeded to remind me in every single conversation and text that ” it would be so much easier if we just met at his place” then him having to ” buy me dinner and spend all this money on me even after he has to come and pick me up from my place” to which i then responded–

“Why do you think it’s okay to keep bringing up that I wont come over to your place after you also keep trying to remind me that ” it’s okay” if we don’t go? Are you really that irritated about it because at this point the joke isn’t funny” 

To which he replied-

“wow way to get defensive maybe we should just talk a bit more. I CLEARLY told you i was okay with it and i assumed you would take that as a joke, obviously not”

And I was like –

” well you keep joking about it so i just figured it was an issue… I’m sorry if it was actually a joke and I misinterpreted it but i have had guys do this before so I am a little cautious about it.” 

and at this point he stopped texting me back and so i figured I would be the ” bigger” person and apologize about not ” understanding” it was a joke and explain about the NJ guy and so on.

He apparently took that offensively but of course he couldn’t just come out and say that until later on. So that was all on a Friday night, so on Saturday we were supposed to go out on that ” date” and so I wrote him in the morning, apologizing again just because I hate fighting and see if I can get a response out of him, and got nothing.

I decide that I will keep my plans simple and wait it out and see and then decide from there if I hear from him how to go about my plans and so on. I didn’t hear from him all day. I went out with my girlfriends and we went dancing and drinking and didn’t get home 3 am roughly… and then guess who decided to text me at 2:45 am… Yup… you guessed right.

BUT what you probably didn’t guess was what this asshole had to say! He says “SUP”… are you kidding me? SUP?! So either you lookin for a booty call ( which isn’t happening) or you’re a fucking idiot ( ding ding!) I write him back and I say ” Not much.” At this point I’m gonna keep this real short and see what you want real quick.

He says– ” Nothing, just getting home from a friends birthday party… totally forgot about today with you.” 

You. are. joking? You are going to text the girl who you stood up on a date at 2:45 am and tell her sup and then tell her you forgot about your date but randomly remembered her at 3 AM… you must be out of your damn mind.

I didn’t write back right away because I didn’t have anything nice to say and as How I met Your Mother always says– “Nothing good happens after 2 AM” –– they were once again correct. He writes me and asks how my night went and to which i reply ” fine, went dancing it was good” trying to just go to sleep and forget this guy…. and that’s exactly what I did. I went to bed.

Sunday– I go about my day as a normal person and then at 2 pm, I get a text from him again saying ” sup.” AGAIN…. and I just Ignore him the rest of the day because this is just stupid and I again don’t have a decent response.

MONDAY- Welcome to Monday… we all hate Monday’s already and now more of a reason to hate them. He writes me at 6 pm… and he says ” so we done talking then?”

And it was that simple half sentence… to which… I lost my shit. 

I write him back the longest message ever and I wont bore you because it’s much to long but let me sum it up for you.

I told him that it was “cute” that he can all of a sudden write me more than a one word text message saying “sup” especially after the week before he was so chatty he didn’t want to text me he HAD to call me on the phone. To which i then told him what an ASSHOLE he was for being so over dramatic about me simply speaking my mind about a joke I was sick of hearing and that he was clearly one of those people that doesn’t like when people speak their mind ESPECIALLY women he is interested in. I then proceeded to tell him that YES we were done talking because I was sick of his shit.

He then wrote me telling me all sorts of BS and digging himself into a deeper hole in my book… and the end result was him telling me–

” Listen I am not going to bicker about this through a text message. We can either move on and keep talking or move on all together. So if you want to continue talking, that is great, and if not, good luck” 

And I wrote back–

“Nah i’m good. I’d rather not get to know you anymore.”

and he says–

“Great, then it was no big loss. :D” 

And put a fucking smiley face emoji… so cute… such a nice guy..

This boy – i cannot even call him a man even at 30- got his FEELINGS hurt by me and then decided instead of talking about the situation it was easier to turn the blame onto me and make me look like and act like some crazy psycho woman. Well I am not and that is one thing I DO know.

Do not ever treat me like a child.
Do not even treat me like I do not have my own, valid opinions.
Do not ever, ever make me out to be a crazy person because of my opinions and emotions because then you will see a crazy person. You know will know what being blown up on is.



Blocked Baby

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately- this has been such a wild year for me.

I up and quit my job back home to move all the way across the country alone just to hate it over there and quit my job again but recklessly this time. Bought a plane ticket and packed my suitcase overnight and flew out the next morning to Texas to start over yet AGAIN. While I’ve been on my kick of starting over and running from my issues I’ve come to see I am not the kind of person who just ups and forgets things in life.

I can remember my first boyfriend, the first time I told a boy i loved him, the first time a guy told me I was his everything, the first time I had sex, the first time I had GOOD sex, the first time I got dumped, the first time I felt passion, the first time that guy destroyed my heart.

One of those boys has never gone away. He is always there in the back of my head, he is always there when I am looking at other guys , talking to other guys. He is there when I think about certain life choices… but not in a sense that we are together. I just sit there and think about how things would have been different if he and I could have made it work better. If timing and differences could have been solved. I think for me… i have literally never had any closure.

He doesn’t always linger in my mind sometimes he comes outta nowhere and I sit there and go ” wtf Brianna calm down” but sometimes it’s a steady buzz of his memory. the point of this though was that because I have never had that closure I want… I texted him months before I moved across the country.

I made myself  and my close friends a deal.
I would text him by New years, and I would spill my guts out and say everything I could EVER want to say and get it all out there- let him know I am still a person and I deserve something from this whether we start over again or we end this right now and then.
Then depending the answer I got… we would go from there.
Mind you he lives across the country as well so I couldn’t do this in person.

So I did it.
I spilled my heart out. It was the longest message I have ever written.
I said everything I needed to say and it felt so good to just let it out and get it out there…. and I thought this is it! This is what it will take.. and yes, I was secretly hoping life was on my side. BUT that’s a good joke am I right?

So I sent it… and he read it… and then.

He fucking blocked me on FB and IG and ignored the message.
And I was so… angry. I wasn’t even sad. ”
I sat in my living room with my roommate venting and screaming and thinking to myself…

I FINALLY got my chance. I got to say what I NEEDED to say to this asshole and after all those months of him venting HIS emotions and feelings whenever he wanted and me forgiving him and doing whatever he asked because I WANTED to… he fucking blocks and ignores me?!

But guess what… I got my answer.
Timing and Love – that shit doesn’t exist.
He and I… we don’t belong together and you know what… that’s fine.

I got it all out there and I let it go.
But sometimes… I still get that buzzing feeling in my head like he knows I think about him. Like he knows… sometimes I still miss him and that sucks.

What’s a girl to do except move the fuck on with her life.

Condom Man: Chapter 3

I totally forgot to tell you… he came back…. out of fucking nowhere!

I was re reading this thing the other day thinking to all my failures in the dating world and how a lot of them seem to be reoccurring issues. Things I can CLEARLY change if I just focused on them right? People I don’t ACTUALLY need to be with and I know that probably from the start of my bad dates but then I do them anyways because well “curiosity killed the cat” and ladies and gentleman I am the cat for sure.

So condom man… wow.. let me tell you how completely unexpected and blindsided I was…

the only way to describe my shock is take the story of when my ex came back to town and showed up at my work– okay now times that by 3. I seem to have a lot of people coming back into my life and it’s usually at during weird times in my life. So he came back around January- ish and He hit me up like he would and he was like

“Hey are you still living in those same old apartments?”

and I was like– no sir, I am in a different valley now also why the fuck are you texting me!?  ( maybe that’s not how it really went but it was like that in my head). so he proceeds to tell me he is in town and he can’t stop thinking about me and wants to meet up for a drink at the bar up the street from where I used to live.

And in my head… I am like… you just wanna fuck.
you just wanna see if I am still hot in your eyes.
you just wanna be a dick.
I just wanna be a dick?
I just wanna see if you have changed?
well you were a good lay… maybe….

yes, all of that went through my head in a matter of seconds. I think on it… and I decide… ya know what? Fuck it~
It’s been 2 years since I have seen or spoken to the guy and if anything I can have sex with him.

I meet up with him at the bar, we start talking about life and where we have been and who we have done and it was fine but I quickly realize he is exactly the same if not more sad and drunk now a days. I decide – Quick Lay- and call it good. I tell him good night and head home, I text him when I get home– that leads into some sexting and stuff in which he tells me he is now currently into the whole Dom and Sub thing… in which if you had seen my face you would know i was dying with laughter.
I say ” so which are you? the Dom or the Sub”
And he gets defensive  and says ” the Dom of course!”

and I think – typical males- can’t be the subs even when the girl isn’t the submissive type of female. I tell him I don’t think i am a submissive type of girl.. and he says ” well would you be willing to try” and I say  “fuck it lets try” and say tomorrow you should come over.
He says what time- then says he has practice for a play he is directing- I say it will be quick and we call it good.

THE NEXT DAY———————–>

He comes over and I had literally just got out of the shower.
We run up to my room, we start making out and all the normal BS except I totally forgot he wanted me to be a submissive! So then things get weird.
He starts like turning me on my side and like trying these weird positions and then keeps asking me what I want to do but in this creepy whisper of a voice.

So I tell him and then he goes ” no not yet” and I just sit there thinking… you’re not being dominant and you’re just pissing me off now.  I try to take control but then I remembered I was going to actually try to be a submissive human haha.

We get through the awkward foreplay and he turns me over and we are going at it doggy style and he is going so… fucking…. slow…. that…. I…. am…. just… sitting there wishing I was anywhere but in that situation.

I finally get fed up and tell him he needs to go faster or harder or something! Anything so I can feel SOMETHING!? and he doesn’t listen- So I took over the situation and then before I can get into it… he fucking came.

My life… is so ridiculous.
I mean… I think i make the same mistakes at least 10 or 15 times in a row before I realize how stupid I am.
I gotta stop letting my hormones talk for me sometimes.

So “we” finish and I get dressed and I am like–

“well looks like you have to go now… have a good practice and safe trip home”

And we haven’t spoken again – thank goodness.
I am thankfully nowhere near him now since I am in Texas not Nevada.
I also blocked his number– we will not have a Chapter 4 this motherfucker.

“I miss you…” no you don’t!

Holy shit guys… guess what?
I moved again…

But that’s not what this post is about.
Let’s talk about one of two guy’s I went out with while I was over there on the East Coast living in a nightmare.

Met on the dating website of course, and honestly, I really just needed to get out of the crazy lady’s I was staying with house.  I wasn’t eating properly and I was bored and sick of being in the presence of a psycho. So yes, I slightly used this human to get out of the house but whatever.

He offers to pick me up and take me out to eat ( score since I hadn’t had real food in weeks) and said we would be going to Buffalo Wild Wings ( eh that will do).
I agree and we set up a time and I give the guy my address and “date is ready”

So he picks me up and we are on our way to BWW & this dude starts ranting and raving about how much he hates his job and how awful it is and how he has to stay there because it’s necessary even if he hates it.
I sat there like… well… just change your job but he said ” Oh no no no” that can’t happen… but he had no reason why he couldn’t switch jobs.
I continued to stare out the window silently thinking-

” Here we go again with crazy people Brianna… you sure know how to pick them girl…”

We get to BWW and the conversation goes like this–

Him: ” How many tattoos do you have?”
Me: ” I have 8- do you have any?”
Him: ” oh nice.. can I see them all? and no I refuse to get any tattoos on my body.”
Me: ” well I can show you a couple but a lot of them are hidden so I will find pictures of them for you. Why is that?”
Him: ” it’s okay you can show me the hidden ones too…ha ha. I refuse to get them because I am Jewish and if i want to get into the Jewish cemetery you can’t do anything to your body”
Me: ” ha ha, no. & oh okay so you’re religious then? that’s neat I didn’t know that.”
Him: ” Oh no I don’t believe in any of that it’s just i refuse to mess my body up if ever I want to get into the Cemetery”

And at this point I stopped following because if you don’t believe in a religion or certain things then getting tattoos wouldn’t really matter to you so maybe that’s just my opinion but whatever.

so we sit down to eat and he again asks me about my tattoos ( even though we just had this talk) and then asks me the differences between the East and West coast so far. It comes time to order and he was like

“You’re living by yourself? or with a friend?”
Me: with a friends mom for a while. What about you?
“I live with my parents still. Don’t plan on moving anytime soon it’s working just fine.”

Internally-: My head is like “okay you have lived with your parents but you hated it. he doesn’t wanna leave… get out now!!”
Externally: I nod and smile.

Finally, the waitress shows up and I order a Midori Sour and a water ( and I am ready to order but he’s not so I wait patiently like a polite person!) He orders a soda and water and then orders an appetizer ( after he had asked me if I wanted one, which I didn’t but clearly he did) then he order’s a salad and all of a sudden he is ready to order his meal.
so he orders and then demands that the waitress bring the appetizer out first, then his salad and then his burger and it HAS to be in THAT order.

I sat there… trying so hard not to say anything rude because I hate when people are rude to waitresses/ waiters in general. I order my wings and call it good.
We sit there waiting for our food and this guy asks me what my fave movies are.

I give him a short list of my fave movies and then he starts telling me how he only watches VHS, he doesn’t believe in Netflix. He tells me his favorite movie is Free Willy ( which I don’t think I have ever heard anyone say) and then finally the food shows up ( thank all the gods and goddesses).

We eat, I drink, the bill comes and he goes to pay for it and then I ask if he wants me to help him split it. He says I can leave the tip because he has gift cards ( no judgement man however you wanna pay works with me) I go to leave a tip and then I grab my shit and get ready to leave.

We get to the car and he is like –

“So wanna come watch Free Will with me at my place?”

& I just couldn’t take this guy seriously anymore so I said sorry I have to get home I start my first day on the job tomorrow.
To which you can instantly tell he is super irritated with me but tries to act polite about it. He takes me home and I go to say goodbye and he gets out to give me a hug and and just starts making out with me! I was like okay bro bye.

So i thought that was the end of that and he proceeds to text me the next two days telling me how much he “misses me” and ” you are so amazing”.

DUDE. NO. We hung out ONE TIME.
You don’t miss me, and I know you don’t think I am amazing when I wouldn’t come back to your parents house to ” watch Free Willy”… just no.

Thankfully I moved away and he is outta my life and I am now in Texas far away from this person.

Welcome to 2017

So we are what in the 3rd month of 2017 already… wow!

Let me just tell you the shenanigans I have already got myself into!


New years! I decided I was going to spend my holiday/ bring in 2017 at the ocean! So I gathered up a bunch of friends and went to San Francisco! It was the most interesting of trips– ups and downs of course!

Overall, it really showed me a lot about myself I wasn’t aware of at the time. I learned a couple things:

  • A) i am not ready for a relationship. I want it deep down don’t get me wrong– but the physical act of settling and committing to someone seems so disgusting and terrifying… like… I can’t handle it. ( I can’t EVEN). In the process of finding this out, I probably have hurt ( and been hurt) more times than I can count. So my deepest apologies to anyone I fucked over in the process… you were unaware of the backlash as well as I was.
  • B) I figured out to just let shit go. I was hurt so bad around December… as usual in my life, and then  I held onto that into January a bit. Now I realize… fuck that. I don’t have time to hold onto petty things when i could be FIXING myself. I could be finding out what I really want out of life!


There wasn’t much in February till the end… I mean, I did my fair share of awkward dates again and weird random convo’s with people I probably shouldn’t have but I will save that for  their own stories of course. Let’s skip to a few weeks ago…

I received an email from my old job, one I quit over a year ago to be precises, offering me a position! Now this position is based in Philadelphia– I will be moving from across the country from NV.

It has been a crazy couple weeks so here we are into

March 2017 & I have been packing up my entire life and getting ready to move across the country alone to start a whole new life. I am beyond ecstatic about the opportunity but also terrified about the outcome of course… and sad because I am leaving my family and friends…

but holy shit… guys… this just means… a BRAND NEW DATING SCENE!
Which means even more disastrous stories for all you lovelies!


So here I am… all up on the East Coast doing my thing. It’s currently the end of March as I am finishing writing all of this up but let me just tell you a few things about my experiences here on the East Coast.

Philly- Now… I am from a smaller town so maybe that’s why my opinion is a little less enthusiastic about the giant city life.. I have found it to be a bit dirty and also soooo crowded. I mean don’t get me wrong I have met nothing but the nicest people- especially as I made my way through the Center City area and trying to learn how to use public transportation ( since I as clearly sheltered and never had to use it before.
but I did go to a very fun and interesting hop on and off history tour, i saw the Reading Market which was incredible and my only regret is that I didn’t eat there!

Anyways, So I got here and  I was living with a crazy person who would scream at her children and be up till late hours of the night. She even had me help her file her fucking court papers for some crazy divorce she was going through.. She was living off welfare and was refusing to work because she didn’t have to and it was easier to live off welfare and not work then it was too get a job– which made me hate her more.
I wasn’t sleeping- I wasn’t eating- I was a mess.
Which meant– I had to get the fuck out of there asap. 

Thankfully a co- worker of mine offered to let me stay with her in Jersey– where I am currently.
I have been on the East coast for almost 2 weeks now and I think i can already say I miss the West Coast a bit. I think I have different views on things and I just have such an open sense of looking at things– and I feel like everyone here is very closed off to new things and is just set in their ways… which is great for them, but not something I am interested in.

I have been on two days in the two weeks I have been here… yes, that sounds pathetic when I say it out loud haha. Mostly I have been bored out of mind!
I didn’t bring my car with my to the East- so I have no way of going and exploring and shit like I normally do! So yes, I am slightly using these guy’s to go out and have a good time– do not judge me until you are in my position.

Long story short– I am alright. Just going through the motions of moving and figuring out if this is the place I actually want to end up staying or if I will spread my wings and move again now that I have finally left my hometown.
I will keep you all updated on the situation!


Real talk 101

It has been an interesting and sad week for me lately… and quite a few people I know. 

Let’s get real for a minute here. 

I was a bridesmaid in a wedding over the summer for one of my best friends I’ve known since middle school. I went to the wedding knowing  maybe 3-4 people. At her bachelorette party I met this girl also in the wedding. 

She was the sweetest and funniest person I swear ! So she tells me her boyfriend is also in the wedding he’s one of the groomsmen and I’m like oh how cute and normal girl talk continues. 

A week before the wedding we did the rehearsal which ended up being all of us standing around because a few hiccups in the process. They had the wedding at a beautiful lake in the mountains. 

I get to the campsite say hi to a few new people I met including this girl! She introduces me to her boyfriend and he was so adorable. So nice and polite and also hilarious. Beautiful couple seriously. 

So the girl and a few others go off to fix the issues with the bride and I stay back with a few others including this boyfriend. I ask him how he knows the bride, how him and his gf met and he looks me in the eye after a short talk and he smiles and says — 

” I’m going to marry that girl. She’s amazing & has saved me on so many levels.” 

And I stopped and took a breath because I realized I was witnessing such a powerful love that cannot be explained in words. 

We have the wedding and I think to these words and  I listen to my best friend say her vows and I’m crying and so is everyone else… and again I remember that in that moment right then… 

that is what true love and fairytales are made of. The passion, the intensity, the raw and undivided emotion from a simple smile or a simple sentence. 

So the wedding is over and I found a few more people I knew and I make my rounds say hello and then go to leave. I run into that girl and that boy again they tell me how wonderful it was to meet me and how I need to come see them in California where they live– and I was so overcome with happiness from getting to witness and be around such wonderful people– I just smiled and said absolutely ! Hugged them and went on my way. 

I found out 3 days ago this boy died. He did heroin after being sober for over a year- something I didn’t know nor needed to know. My heart broke into a million pieces. 

Because even though I didn’t know them well and we weren’t even friends really just people who met at a wedding… I remembered the love. 

The feelings. The emotions. I remembered how she smiled at him when he talked. I remembered how he cried with joy staring at her during the vows. 

My heart is broken for his family. For that girl… for his friends who found him and the friends who have to mend their hearts. 

It’s amazing how one moment can ruin everything… but also one moment can show you a lifetime of passion you’ve been looking for. 

RIP… I hope you’re in a better place or whatever/ wherever I hope you’re at peace. 

Then damaged goods 

 I haven’t talked about my ex ever on here because really we haven’t had any ” bad ” stories together for the most part. He’s someone I’ve always pictured my life with so there was no point in talking about him… plus he knows about this blog which it seemed weird to put him in here but I doubt he reads this anyways an fuck it. Here’s the one bad story I can keep recalling besides the turmoil of me going to NC this takes the cake on Heartbreak for me. 

My ex showed up in town not too long ago and he “surprised” me by showing up a at work. Now maybe it’s just me but I was so convinced he was the one. I had always had this image of him randomly showing up and sweeping me off my feet and asking me to be with him and move with him and we would try this again fresh and new like we always talked about.

Well that didn’t happen because reality sucks. He showed up in a relationship still complaining about how he couldn’t stand her and they were gonna break up and blah blah and because he was GOING TO , SOMEDAY, EVENTUALLY break up with this girl who had no idea of course, that made it okay in his mind for us to have sex.
SEX.  Not- ” lets get back together and be forever”, not ” i miss you so much and what we had”- no. SEX.

Now don’t get me wrong… it took ALL my willpower to not jump into bed with him then minute he offered because I loved the guy and don’t get me wrong he’s hot as hell… like so attractive.  But I held my ground because as much as i LOVE him and all he is, i am not about to go into when hes heading back home in a week and put myself through that all over again and again.

So we established – no sex.

As I said he showed up at my work and so we talked in his car about what was new, how long he was in town for, and the usual banter of ” I can’t get over you but I love and hate you” that we always do. He then offered me to come out for drinks with him and the guys from school… I was relucatant but I of course couldn’t help it so I cancelled all plans, went home and pretended I wasn’t curling my hair and putting on nice clothes to just be alone. Obviously everyone knew what was going on… and by everyone I mean m best friend figured it out and was P I S S E D.  

But do I blame her? No. I would be mad as hell if she was the one sneaking off to see the ex who ruined her. I mean he ruined me… in all the literal terms of ruining. After my trip to NC years ago when I went specifically to see him and in his state of ” please stay” and ” marry me” and “let’s have kids and a family” and I FINALLY AGREE to everything after years and years of going against it… he chickens out asap. 

I spent two and a half weeks crying on my couch while my best friend basically forced me to eat and shower. Then I spent another month cursing everyone and my life. Then another month crying and refusing to date ever again and again going back to never showering and then over eating to make up for my lack of love. 

Literally ruined, but did he care? Of course not! He didn’t know he was too busy ignoring my messages for a year. 

Anyways! So drinks! So I show up late to the bar and he’s already drunk as hell. I walk in and sit down by him and say hi to our old friends and then he starts getting weird. He starts finding old pictures of me and him and showing all our friends ( mind you they all know he has a new girlfriend…) and he starts talking about us and some picsture I made the boys back in high school and everyone is staring at me like -” sooo you guys back together again?” And I’m awkwardly pounding down a beer pretending I don’t exist. 

Because as much as I love him and that he obviously isn’t over me and vice versa–he has a new girlfriend… and that isn’t the appropriate thing to do when your ex is there and your friends are there… 

so we switch bars and we get another drink and I’m sitting there while he is at the bar with a friend I didn’t know and he starts asking me how long he and I have been together… awkward… 

so I start with – 

” oh no we aren’t together right now…” 

and that makes things more awkward. So now o have to explain… 

” we used to date… actually we’ve been on and off for about like 8-10 years give or take. We had something serious but that got ruined by his lack of willing to commit to me one I agreed to everything. I love the guy but he has a new girlfriend in North Carolina right now. There’s still some love hate feelings between us and we have a lot of history… it’s awkward I know…” 

to which I get a laugh and a look of shock and then the ” I understand” and I down my glass of alcohol as he brings another glass for me to down. 

So he sits next to me.. and he’s got his hand on my knee and I’m getting those emotions and I’m running into my sel respect as she’s trying to bail out the door to make way for miss I don’t give a fuck let’s make out… but she was pulled back in. 

He turns to me and whispers how he knows I want him and we need to have sex and he knows if he made a move I would say yes. 

I laugh and say 

” you’re not that smooth baby” 

And at this point I feel like it’s a bad romantic comedy because I’m buzzed, he’s drunk and all I wanna do is scream at him and make out. But I keep my shit together somehow because the passion and intensity between us is what gets us in trouble. 

He says- 

” I can’t get over you. It’s ridiculous and it’s been years and I want to move on and I’m trying but I can’t. Why do we do this? Why?” 

And I have no answers for him. All i see is sadness and anger on his face. I don’t know what he could see on mine but I’m sure it resembled something like that… 

and it’s at this point I knew we hit the point of no return. I knew I was about the fall back into my and routine shortly, at any minute… and the only self respecting , logical thing to do was get the fuck out of there before it got worse. 

That’s exactly what I did. They were heading home to sleep and get ready to stay the weekend in Tahoe and I was going to go home and maybe see him before he left. 

I say goodbye to everyone and go to give him a hug and he does this guilt trip move of making me feel awful and gives me a quick hug and says bye… and I was broken. 

I have a hard time with him. I get broken so easily when he’s around. He makes me feel so great and so awful it’s just an exhausting pattern of why do I do this and is he worth it? 

So I did what any normal broken girl does when she watches the guy she loves walk away- I texted him apologizing that I didn’t sleep with him while he had a girlfriend and that any other time I would have jumped into bed and that I hope he knows my feelings for him and blah blah and he does what any emotionally abusive asshole does — he ignores it. 

Moving on to the end of this tale… he went to Tahoe for the weekend, I tell my friends about him coming into town, cry, go get mad drunk at a bar and I get a text from him saying he can see me on Tuesday before he leaves if I’m not working ( whivh wasn’t the fucking plan). 

Because I’m drunk and I’m with my friends and I’m bitter and sad I decide to cut my ties off again. I text him and say 

” you were right. We should have never started this whole ” let’s be friends” thing. You knew how it would end and it ended exactly as we both predicted. Me falling for you again and you going back across the country to your girlfriend. Have a safe trip home and you know I love you.” 

And he ignored it as usual. Went home to his life. Broke up with his girlfriend as he said he would a few weeks later. 

I won’t lie I tried to message him recently and I got a little pathetic but now I’m starting to come out of my funk and I think I’m good. I think timing is everything and although we have been st this for 10 years I think if we are meant to be together it isn’t any time soon. 

I keep saying he’s swept under the rug but he will probably come back like dust always does. 

Here’s to broken hearts and broken girls trying to get their shit together. I think he’s definitely shaped a lot of how I look at relationships these days. I’m not putting all the blame on him by any means- majority is my fault. But there is definitely a moment in time in each relationship I compare and wonder what he would do in this situation… and then it shows me just how damaged mentally I am. 

This was a sad post for sure but I needed to vent this one out because I was shown a lot about myself on New Year’s Eve which will most likely be another serious post to vent my emotional life… but hey- we can’t all be perfect in love I suppose.