When does the NEED for closure ever die? Actually, does anyone ever truly get the closure they want from someone when it ends badly? Or when it doesn’t end the way you want it to? Or when it doesn’t even end it just fades out?
I needed to know what it was going to take to get the closure that I so badly was desiring and needing to get over my ex. I was like- dating around isn’t helping, talking to him on and off every other year isn’t helping, seeing his photos- definitely not helping.
I couldn’t let this go and I think it was because I had honestly convinced myself he was the only one. HE WAS THE ONE. I had lost him for the time being but did that mean I wasn’t ever going to get him back? And the worst part of this was he had me convinced it wasn’t over deep down. He would always come back- he would always write me every now and then and then stop but he always came back. He never said ” I don’t love you anymore” nothing of the sort ever happened.
And in my insecure, immature brain– that was what I thought I needed. I wanted those words ” I don’t fucking love you anymore” to be said before the closure could commence. However, that is naive thinking and I am aware of this now. It only took me 10 years of him being a total, inconsiderate dick to me before I could let him go.
This whole “closure thing” probably started around the time he came back to Reno when I was still living there. I think that’s when I knew we couldn’t continue doing this anymore. He had just popped back into my life like a distant relative you didn’t know you had. I wrote about this already so I won’t bore you with those details.
When he came back it was like all my dreams had come true ya know? Except for… he had a girlfriend and was still a dick. He was still the same old cocky guy I loved except I could see there was something wrong. It wasn’t even about him necessarily… it was more about me then him. I could see there was insecurity. I wasn’t so sure anymore.
There was never a doubt that I loved him more than anyone else. There was never even a sexual attraction doubt no matter how much either of our bodies I had changed over the years. It was the fact that we knew nothing about each other anymore. We had changed and the doubt came from the fact he was unwilling to get to know the NEW me. I had changed and have changed even more this year! He still thought of me as that girl from high school. That was the girl he fell in love with and the new me, well, he didn’t give it a chance to get to know him.
So, I moved away from our hometown. I did all these things he once told me I was never going to do and yes part of me did do it because I had a point to prove and the other half of me wasn’t sure WHO I was trying to prove it too. I think it was everyone, including myself. He had fucked me up emotionally more then I even knew at the time and honestly, I am still learning a lot about what emotional damage truly is as I continue to grow and change.
He used to tell me my self- esteem ruined out relationship, he convinced me that I was never going to make it if I moved, and he convinced me without doing anything at all that Love was supposed to be chaotic and wild and full of passion that sometimes hurt you… this is not fucking true. None of that was fucking true.
I started the “closure” process and to start the process I needed to try to reach out to him one last time… and so I did. I messaged him on FB, so I could make sure he read this message, and I am paraphrasing but it basically said–
” Listen, I know we haven’t talked and the last time we did had a terrible ending however, I need closure from you. I need to know- do you still love me? If the answer is yes, tell me when and where and I will go there and we will hash out our problems, and work on a game plan to get this fixed because I am all in if you’re all in. If the answer is no, then please just tell me so I can stop wondering what we are doing and I can move on for good. ”
Again, paraphrasing I know there was more but he got blocked. So this motherfucker read this message, and I waited… and I waited…. like I always do… and nothing. So another hour or two goes by and I am like nah, I am not giving him anymore time- he has had ENOUGH time. He has a year to write me and Yes, pathetically, I hoped he would and he never did.
Let’s pause– I know you are all thinking… Brianna, girl…. that WAS YOUR FUCKING CLOSURE YOU IDIOT. Geez. But it wasn’t yet but I got it don’t you worry.
Times up, baby. I write him again–
“*Insert Name*, come on. I have given you enough time are you just going to ignore me? Just going to ignore me for another year? I deserve a little more then that.”
he reads it instantly so I know this asshole is just sitting there like ” ummm shit.” right? I get a response 2 seconds later and he’s all
“I will write you by the end of the day.”
umm…. you need till the end of the day? why? it’s been 10 years motherfucker! TEN. most people would have given up on each other by now what the fuck * insert name again* and more bad words as I scream at the top of my lungs!!!! So I go okay, fine he can have till the end of the day. Now in my head, I am like I can do this. I’ve had plenty of time to practice patience especially with him. But I am fuming, I am livid and I am also… hopeful…
I KNOW. I KNOW. Sad, annoying, pathetic, ugh you should hear my friends opinions as well. Just as brutal as the worlds I am sure. So i give him his space… and then the end of the day starts rolling around… and it’s literally… 11:00 pm…. he has ” one more hour” on my TIME but guess what, it’s already midnight and the next day in his state so now I am really mad.
I wait and I write him at 11:59 AM my time and I say a lot. But I don’t even want to paraphrase that all for you so let me sum it up.
I told him to fuck off. I said you have been the love of my life for ten years and still I think deep down I will always love you but for the first time ever… I can say without a doubt, I wish we had never met. I have my closure. The fact that you cannot even give me enough respect as a PERSON to write me back and give me a simple answer such as “I love you” or ” No, I don’t” is enough of an answer. I blocked him. I deleted all his pictures, I deleted all traces of him on social media and I hid all traes of him far in my memory as another part of my past I don’t want to repeat ever again.
That was the moment I knew– things had to change. I stepped up my fucking game. I am healthier then I have been in years, I deleted all online dating website profiles, I am focusing on ME for the first time in twenty six years. I am moving back home soon, I am going to surround myself with LOVE and RESPECT from my friends and family and I am going to progress more and more each day and hope someone will love me for me.
Because fuck settling for someone who doesn’t respect you and who isn’t willing to bring you up when you’re down. Fuck settling for chaos when you can strive for peace and passion. I don’t need uncertain men in my life. I don’t need someone who only wants me when it’s good for them. I don’t need someone at all.
I think we should all remember that another person is not needed to be whole and complete. You can love yourself, and I am working my hardest to be strong mentally and physically.
So THANK YOU to the guy this about. Thank you for the love you gave me for a long time that wasn’t chaos and thank youuuu for reminding me I am a fucking QUEEN without you. That girl you LOVED back in high school she was cute, and fun, sure, but I am so much better and I can’t wait to find someone who appreciates that.