Learning Roulette

This has been the weirdest start to the new year for me. I think Tim from NYE might actually be an enchanter… no joke. I’m thinking maybe he was just some wizard in disguise as a human because if my friends hadn’t witnessed me making out / being mauled by him I’d almost think he wasn’t real since I haven’t heard from him and I personally haven’t texted him much so oh well on that.

However, let’s move on to yesterday. Yester-eve I went to the casino in Oklahoma with my roommate so she could gamble a little and it was Friday so why not?

The first dilemma of the night was – what do we wear? Do we wanna dress up like normal or go casual? Obviously, we decided on casual- and by casual- we mean gym clothes and hoodies cause fuck it. We from Reno- we don’t care. Moving on- gym clothes and hoodie style we head to casino and stop at a gas station and decide to get some beer to pre-game it when we get there because we don’t wanna pay those outrageous prices for alcohol at the casinos & apparently we decided trashy was the theme of the night and got PBR’s and Michelo Ultras – fuck it again.

We get there and the casino is surprisingly dead for a Friday but then again it is Oklahoma not Reno or Vegas. She goes straight for the backarat (spellcheck) table and I’m like mehhhh I’ll do slots and meet up with you in a bit.

We go our separate ways and I won some then broke even and decided I was done playing so I came back to the table and she decided she wanted to play roulette.

Mind you – it’s been a couple hours I’m just summing this up.

Roulette was poppin and there was this hot guy there so we get there and I’m standing there watching and I don’t really understand roulette fully but I’m trying too- and this older guy At the table is just throwing his money down the drain. I mean hundred after hundreds gone and quick. On top of that he’s also bragging about how all he lost was $2000 that night so far and I’m like shocked and of course this makes me stressed out because I don’t even have that much to blow!

He then – targets me and turns and says –

“Pick a number ! Come on any number”

And I’m like ” oh no no no I don’t know how to play probably not smart”

And he’s like ” come on! He’s all I always do red so anything but black” and at this point I’m like okay fine it’s your money to waste. Also the table has had 14 black cards pulled ( they use cards in OK) so he should be betting black but apparently he’s superstitious!

I say – ” alright ride out red!” And then randomly told him where to place his bet & I shit you not, it finally hit red ! So he won’t $500 because I told him to leave it on red – I’m thinking damn you’re lucky and that’s crazy.

THEN!!! He fucking gives me money! And tells me to play and if I win I can keep the money and if it’s over $100 he gets 3% I was like no way you don’t have to do that! And he’s all yup! Play!

So I did ! and I turned $10 into $80 and played a bit and cashed out at $58 and won him another $500.

Insane guys- I’ve never had someone give me money wtf hahah.

So Tim set the mood of 2018 and men apparently throwing themselves at me because today I went on a date and didn’t do shit to get it ! Some random instagram guy in my area and it was actually a super fun date ! However, I shouldn’t be dating since I’m moving back to NV.

Life is insane right now what is happening ?!?

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The Mauling of 2018

Happy New years you guys!!! WOW- we did it. Another year down, another year to make our bitch on the way!

I didn’t think I would have anything exciting to tell you about but we have to talk about NYE last weekend…. it was hilarious and I think it’s a sign I am going to have an interesting 2018!

My friend from Reno came out to visit her family and invited my roommate and I to see her parents play in a band they are in at some country ass bar out here in Texas.  My roommate and her boyfriend and I were like fuck it, let do it. We didn’t have any other plans and why not? dancing, drinking and celebrating? sounds good to me.

We head out around 8 pm to get there when the band starts and it’s like a REALLLLL local country ass bar so naturally, I don’t look like I fit in there at all. I wore a dark blue blazer, some jeans and a floral shirt and bright gold shoes– yes, bright gold. They were amazing and real hit for everyone around me.

Walking in, struttin our stuff, we head straight to the bar… okay, I went straight to the bathroom because I was about to pee my damn pants. Then the bar! I got the first round for my friend and I, my roommate and her man did their thing with drinks and we head to the VIP next to the band section which was rad. We see her parents say hi, we already met them earlier in the week and start talking and hanging out like normal people do of course.

Band starts playing, we rock out to some country music and watch the cute old couple start slow dancing and line dancing and it was adorable and awesome. I am about 3 beers in at this point and I wanna dance but the music was too slow at that point so my friend tells her parents to put on “save a horse, ride a cowboy” song so we can have something faster to dance too. But first, there is a break for the band and the DJ turns on some old school rap and my friend and I get stoked and head straight for the dance floor.

We start dancing and laughing and now let me introduce you to…. Tim. I turn to face my friend, and BAM there is this guy in front of me and he just grabs me and starts twisting me and spinning me around and I’m like woah.. okay. I was like I am gunna roll with this because it’s NYE and I’m happy and celebrating and wanna get down and dance for a bit! I’ve danced with random men before fuck it. He then turns and faces me and says

“I love your gold shoes, happy new years!”

and attacks my face with his and starts making out with me… and I mean… wow. I was like completely shocked so i let go of his mouth and am like whoa. okay happy new years to me… wtf just happened. A couple things went through my mind, like..

  1. Do I keep making out with this guy?
  2. Do I want too?
  3. Why shouldn’t I?
  4. What’s this guy’s name?
  5. He’s a decent kisser… I’m single…
  6. Alright, I’ll keep making out with… what’s this guys name?

Awkwardly, I smile and laugh and say ” thanks, happy new year too you too! what’s your name?” To which he yells TIM, and you? I yell back but apparently my name is too hard to remember when you’re drunk and its loud, don’t worry he eventually remembered.

So Tim the “enchanter” continues to spin me and dance with me until finally I was like– Here’s the deal Tim I am going back over to my friends at that table. He get’s real sad and is like —

“No no no, you are going to be my midnight kiss stay here and continue dancing with me!”

To which I respond– “Okay, I will be your kiss Tim, but I am still going back to my friends for a bit. Come get me at midnight.” and pull away and head back to the table with my friends who… all know how long it’s been since I have made out, let alone been with anyone recently, and they are like DYING.

They are like “we looked over and were like look B’s dancing with a guy, we looked back and he was mauling your face off and we didn’t know what to do if we should help you or if you were into it!?”

And I am dying laughing and moving on to my 5th beer of the night. I start relaying the dancing and the mauling of my face and said fuck it, that is the motto of the night. I was gunna party and if that meant making out with random Tim then so be it!

I sit there drinking and laughing with my friends for a while and then Tim comes and finds me again. He says ” come dance with me!” and grabs my hand and then tells me he is the worst and forgot my name and I am like oh man, here we go. I repeat it and he’s all okay I won’t forget your name again, and I’m thinking yeah we will see.

So, reluctantly, I get out there and dance with Tim again and he is slow dancing and we have no rhythm and it’s awkward and we are bumping into people and he’s a tad shorter then me so naturally I am already awkward like here we are and everyone is staring at us. I tell him I don’t wanna dance and we go sit down, and thankfully it’s almost midnight at this point, so we sit there and he is just mauling my face off every chance he gets and then he is holding my hand and he says the thing that struck every nerve in my body but made me curious for more because I think I truly am a masochist.

He says ” you need to let a guy give you attention and affection.”

and I laugh and say yeah you’re probably right.

then says ” you are just too picky. I can tell. “

and I like… pushed him back off me and was all ” wtf.. why do you think I am too picky?”

and he says ” you just give off this vibe like you’re a picky dater. you don’t need to be picky. You’re beautiful!”

and i am like flattered and pissed and confused and every other emotion there is. I know it shouldn’t bother me that he said that and in it bothering me it just confirmed that yes, it is something I do. I get a little picky sometimes and I think I just refuse to accept that. However, I am working on this. I don’t call it picky, I just know what I want and a lot of that is someone who I can hold a fucking conversation with as well as someone who isn’t boring.

why is that picky?!!? I dont’ wanna settle! ugh! okay anyways, so even though that struck a nerve it then turned me into a ” I will show you how picky I am” and kept making out with him the rest of the night and I would have went home with him if mother nature hadn’t decided to kick in that fucking day.

But I let him know, because you’re a grown ass man and you shouldn’t be disgusted by talk of periods, sorry, not sorry. And! He wasn’t. He was totally cool with it except he was a persistent one and still wanted me to come home with him but no, that wasn’t happening with a stranger hahah.

We exchanged numbers, and i told him to text me and we have talked a little but he isn’t a texter, he sucks at conversation so this is probably going to be a one night stand once I get there.

I will keep you updated on Tim…the Mauler of 2018.

If not dating, then what?

Since 2018 is arriving at a fast speed I have taken the last couple days to ask myself… if I can’t writ about dating… because I’m NOT dating right now, then what do I write about?

 

I have no idea.
I could easily write about myself and my life in general but then I think I’d just ramble about how boring my life truly is. I can write about my lack of knowing what career I want or where my life is headed or how I am all but 26 and feel like I am on the verge of never amounting to anything ever… but again, boring news.

I should want to date… I should want to find a companion but man, after all these god awful dates I’ve been on and the lack of feeling anything towards these people I just want to focus on my life for a while. I just wanna travel the world and keep getting healthy.

Also, I am selfishly and secretly hoping that someone will just love me and pop up and I will get that fancy ” you know when you know sign” but I am not the die hard, hopeless romantic I once was.

I have become a cynic! I don’t even know if I believe in LOVE anymore with how many disgusting humans there are out there. Am I meant for a life of lust and one nighters? Or am I to settle for someone who I feel nothing for except maybe a decent friendship?

Love seems to only be real in stories and with the occasional friends I know… and even some of them I feel have settled for LESS then they deserve.  You can’t tell people that, they don’t listen and even if they did they would only resent you later in your life.

Ugh, to be in your twenties- it’ a disaster and I hate the person who lied to us when we were in high school and said they are the best time of your life — i will find you and hunt you down!

Cheers to your 2018 my fellow friends! Let’s hope I come back with more exciting and funny stories rather then these depressing posts lately!

Is “Closure” even real?

When does the NEED for closure ever die? Actually, does anyone ever truly get the closure they want from someone when it ends badly? Or when it doesn’t end the way you want it to? Or when it doesn’t even end it just fades out? 

I needed to know what it was going to take to get the closure that I so badly was desiring and needing to get over my ex. I was like- dating around isn’t helping, talking to him on and off every other year isn’t helping, seeing his photos- definitely not helping. 

I couldn’t let this go and I think it was because I had honestly convinced myself he was the only one. HE WAS THE ONE. I had lost him for the time being but did that mean I wasn’t ever going to get him back? And the worst part of this was he had me convinced it wasn’t over deep down. He would always come back- he would always write me every now and then and then stop but he always came back. He never said ” I don’t love you anymore” nothing of the sort ever happened. 

And in my insecure, immature brain– that was what I thought I needed. I wanted those words ” I don’t fucking love you anymore” to be said before the closure could commence.  However, that is naive  thinking and I am aware of this now. It only took me 10 years of him being a total, inconsiderate dick to me before I could let him go. 

This whole “closure thing” probably started around the time he came back to Reno when I was still living there. I think that’s when I knew we couldn’t continue doing this anymore. He had just popped back into my life like a distant relative you didn’t know you had. I wrote about this already so I won’t bore you with those details. 

When he came back it was like all my dreams had come true ya know? Except for… he had a girlfriend and was still a dick. He was still the same old cocky guy I loved except I could see there was something wrong. It wasn’t even about him necessarily… it was more about me then him. I could see there was insecurity. I wasn’t so sure anymore. 

There was never a doubt that I loved him more than anyone else. There was never even a  sexual attraction doubt no matter how much either of our bodies I had changed over the years. It was the fact that we knew nothing about each other anymore. We had changed and the doubt came from the fact he was unwilling to get to know the NEW me. I had changed and have changed even more this year! He still thought of me as that girl from high school. That was the girl he fell in love with and the new me, well, he didn’t give it a chance to get to know him.

So, I moved away from our hometown.  I did all these things he once told me I was never going to do and yes part of me did do it because I had a point to prove and the other half of me wasn’t sure WHO I was trying to prove it too. I think it was everyone, including myself. He had fucked me up emotionally more then I even knew at the time and honestly, I am still learning a lot about what emotional damage truly is as I continue to grow and change. 

He used to tell me my self- esteem ruined out relationship, he convinced me that I was never going to make it if I moved, and he convinced me without doing anything at all that Love was supposed to be chaotic and wild and full of passion that sometimes hurt you… this is not fucking true. None of that was fucking true. 

I started the “closure” process and to start the process I needed to try to reach out to him one last time… and so I did. I messaged him on FB, so I could make sure he read this message, and I am paraphrasing but it basically said–

” Listen, I know we haven’t talked and the last time we did had a terrible ending however, I need closure from you. I need to know- do you still love me? If the answer is yes, tell me when and where and I will go there and we will hash out our problems, and work on a game plan to get this fixed because I am all in if you’re all in. If the answer is no, then please just tell me so I can stop wondering what we are doing and I can move on for good. ” 

Again, paraphrasing I know there was more but he got blocked. So this motherfucker read this message, and I waited… and I waited…. like I always do… and nothing. So another hour or two goes by and I am like nah, I am not giving him anymore time- he has had ENOUGH time. He has a year to write me and Yes, pathetically, I hoped he would and he never did. 

Let’s pause– I know you are all thinking… Brianna, girl…. that WAS YOUR FUCKING CLOSURE YOU IDIOT. Geez. But it wasn’t yet but I  got it don’t you worry. 

Times up, baby.  I write him again–

“*Insert Name*, come on. I have given you enough time are you just going to ignore me? Just going to ignore me for another year? I deserve a little more then that.”

he reads it instantly so I know this asshole is just sitting there like ” ummm shit.” right? I get a response 2 seconds later and he’s all 

“I will write you by the end of the day.” 

umm….  you need till the end of the day? why? it’s been 10 years motherfucker! TEN. most people would have given up on each other by now what the fuck * insert name again* and more bad words as I scream at the top of my lungs!!!! So I go okay, fine he can have till the end of the day. Now in my head, I am like I can do this.  I’ve had plenty of time to practice patience especially with him.  But I am fuming, I am livid and I am also… hopeful…

I KNOW. I KNOW. Sad, annoying, pathetic, ugh you should hear my  friends opinions as well. Just as brutal as the worlds I am sure.  So i give him his space… and then the end of the day starts rolling around… and it’s literally… 11:00 pm…. he has ” one more hour” on my TIME but guess what, it’s already midnight and the next day in his state so now I am really mad. 

I wait and I write him at 11:59 AM my time and I say a lot. But I don’t even want to paraphrase that all for you so let me sum it up. 

I told him to fuck off. I said you have been the love of my life for ten years and still I think deep down I will always love you but for the first time ever… I can say without a doubt, I wish we had never met. I have my closure. The fact that you cannot even give me enough respect as a PERSON to write me back and give me a simple answer such as “I love you” or ” No, I don’t” is enough of an answer. I blocked him. I deleted all his pictures, I deleted all traces of him on social media and I hid all traes of him far in my memory as another part of my past I don’t want to repeat ever again. 

That was the moment I knew– things had to change. I stepped up my fucking game. I am healthier then I have been in years, I deleted all online dating website profiles, I am focusing on ME for the first time in twenty six years. I am moving back home soon, I am going to surround myself with LOVE and RESPECT from my friends and family  and I am going to progress more and more each day and hope someone will love me for me. 

Because fuck settling for someone who doesn’t respect you and who isn’t willing to bring you up when you’re down. Fuck settling for chaos when you can strive for peace and passion. I don’t need uncertain men in my life. I don’t need someone who only wants me when it’s good for them. I don’t need someone at all. 

I think we should all remember that another person is not needed to be whole and complete. You can love yourself, and I am working my hardest to be strong mentally and physically.

So THANK YOU to the guy this about. Thank you for the love you gave me for a long time that wasn’t chaos and thank youuuu for reminding me I am a fucking QUEEN without you. That girl you LOVED back in high school she was cute, and fun, sure, but I am so much better and I can’t wait to find someone who appreciates that. 

 

So Glad this isn’t a Jane Austen Novel

Wow, the last time I wrote on here was August. 

Well, as I said, I have taken a  dating Hiatus, which has lasted this long …. and is still going. I did write a book about my dating adventures as I last stated I was going too. It is not published or anything but it felt good to write it and we will see what I do with it later! 

Since my dating Hiatus, I did start talking to this guy I went to high school with actually. He hit me up in the DM’s as the kids would say these days on my FB and it was all smooth and fun and I ended up really enjoying talking to him. He would compliment me and tell me how pretty I was and how wonderful I was and how much he enjoyed talking to me and I  was like ” oh who?! me?!” and of course, I naturally was smitten with him after that because I am weak and like sweet talkers. 

I thought we had something going on, we even talked about visiting each other as he lives in CA and I am in TX still but then he got weird, and he did what every man does this day in age and decided to slowly but surely ghost me. HOWEVER- it is EXTREMELY confusing that he decided he didn’t want to talk to me anymore when the last conversation we had was me calling him out about the lack of conversation and letting him know this was his out! 

I gave him an out. I said if you don’t want to talk anymore let me know because I am sure it gets annoying to have some girl text you all the time when you don’t even wanna talk to her anymore right? Like, I know, if some guy kept texting me and trying to contact me and I wasn’t interested in him, that I would MOST definitely be like Bro, not into it. Stop. Especially, if he was kind enough to give me a fucking out. 

Well his response was ridiculous considering we haven’t talked since…

“I am SO sorry, I have been so busy lately and I promise to try harder to write you more and be better about it! how are you today?”

and in my head I was all, alright, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and say you are busy. Which of course, led to my downfall and he stopped talking to me altogether but still has me as a friend on FB and IG and everything AND AND AND— the kicker is, he isn’t BUSY anymore to post 3 or 4 times a fucking day. 

So the real question now is, should I just delete the sonofabitch and call it good? We don’t talk, you’re a waste of time clearly and I have no desire to be friends with someone who isn’t willing to put in the same amount of time and effort. 

Petty? Childish? Maybe, but I think otherwise. I have been cleaning out my FB from all the people that keep in contact to the people that I haven’t talked to in years and it feels AMAZING. Detoxing those negative people from my life- saying goodbye the fuck faces and assholes. The bitches who just want the gossip on you! the Ex boyfriend who is a psycho! 

Speaking of EX boyfriends… well… no, i will write a second post about that fucking idiot. 

Anyways, dating Hiatus is still happening because when you delete all your online dating accounts and try to meet people the natural way…. well…. it takes a lot of fucking time, IF EVER, to happen. 

Cheers to my road to being single forever at this rate. 
If this was a Jane Austen novel– I would have died an old, lonely wench. 

Update: We all deserve Respect.

Online dating profiles have been officially deleted.
Closure from the one person I needed it from the most was received, in a terrible way, but still received.
All memories are being locked up in a box.
All photos have been deleted and all social media sites blocked and deleted so I can properly move on.

That’s the rough updates of my life– the good updates are:
– started talking to a guy in California who I actually went to school with but never really knew, super cute and nice — I will keep everyone update on that when I know more!
– Flying back home for a vacation soon! Can’t wait to see my friends and family! It will be good to be back in the care of people i love and who can bring me back up instead of down.
-Dating has been ridiculous so I am back on that dating Hiatus especially while I live in Texas… pretty sure all the southern gentlemen went somewhere else like GA or LA or something.

I’m going to go old school for a while. Try to meet people in person– i mean it worked for all our family and other relatives who never had social media and online dating , right? There has to be someone out there that won’t think I’m weird for being like ” yo, you cute. ” Except it never even gets that far because i end up getting nervous and staring so maybe they have every reason to think I’m a creep haha.

Anyways! I’m working on a positive me! A better ME! I refuse to let anyone bring me that low again. We all deserve respect people! Remember that!